I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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