at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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