don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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