Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize