Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
