eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
