True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
