Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Blood and glitter go together right?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
