It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
