Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
