I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
