Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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