Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
