you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
