Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
