Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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