i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Terrible idea I love it
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
