He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
