My room smells like vodka and shame
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
