I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
