headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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