Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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