dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize