I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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