chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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