got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
