I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
