Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
