her vagina looked like bernie madoff
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
