he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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