Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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