You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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