It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize