he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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