Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Enjoy the penises
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
