sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
