You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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