did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think people are normalizing furries
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
