I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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