i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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