my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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