I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
