I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Congratulations! We have a period
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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