Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
