Sry I called you an 8
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
