It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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