honey bunches of taint.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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