The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
