Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize