I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
