i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he thought i was a dude.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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