Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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