I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
